59 Mildred the Widow

It had been weeks since Mildred’s husband had died. In that short period of time, she had turned into a whole different person. His funeral had changed her. Everybody knew better than to ask her how she was doing. Last time that had happened everybody suffered the consequences. Once you got her started there was no stopping her. One day, the group got together for brunch. After severally glasses of wine, somebody asked the dreaded question, “How are you Mildred?”

“How am I? How am I?!!” Mildred asked. “I have never been better!!” she exclaimed.

“45 years I had to listen to that man snore. I am getting the best sleep of my life. I don’t have to share the bed with anyone. I get all the pillows and all the comforter. The house has never been cleaner. I knew that man was the reason my house stayed dirty. He was disgusting and had no home training. He always left toothpaste all over the sink and always managed to get water all over the mirror. He never flushed the toilet or put the seat down. I don’t ever have to hear him fart around me or smell him shitting with the door open ever again. I don’t have to ever trip over his shoes again or pick up his dirty boxers again. I can finally hang decorative towels in the bathroom. I can finally decorate the house how I always wanted to. The man had no sense of style,” Mildred babbled.

“Not having to clean up after a grown man has given me plenty of time to work on me. I have been able to exercise again. I’ve already lost 30 pounds. I even do yoga now. My skin has been so smooth. I’m literally glowing. No more stress eating. No more stress, period. I’ve gotten a couple cats, too. The old man was allergic to cats, so I was never able to have one. I’ve even started writing a book. I have never been more alive,”rambled Mildred.

“At first I was sad that he was gone. That is until I met all his girlfriends at the funeral. All 4 of them. I had done everything for that man. All I wanted to do was drag him out of his casket and beat him in front of his friends and family. They were all so young they could’ve been our children. All those extra hours he worked were nothing but lies. All the time he spent trying to lead on different women, he could’ve been trying to work on our relationship,”continued Mildred.

“Some people think that if a man cheats on you, all the women involved are losers, but I’m not a loser. I’m the real winner in all of this. He’s dead and he didn’t leave those women with anything. Everything went to me. I own the house and the vacation home, and I own the boats and the cars. Most importantly, I got all the money. Even though I wasted many years with him, I am finally free. I plan on having a lot of fun.” Mildred said with a wink.

Once again, another meal was made awkward. I don’t think you’re supposed to talk about someone like that when they die. Mildred was going to hell for talking about her dead husband and we were going to hell for listening. We were drunk accomplices who shouldn’t have gotten Mildred drunk. It would be many hours until she finally stopped talking shit about her dead husband. There’s no stopping her once you get her started.